The Legend Of Captain Blackjack Archer
by Red Witch
Summary: Mallory and Lana have a heart to heart talk.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is lost somewhere in a dream. This takes place during the first week of Archer's coma. Just a little bonding fic between Mallory and Lana.**

 **The Legend of Captain Blackjack Archer **

"Thank you for taking me to the hospital Lana," Mallory sighed as the two women sat in a booth in a nice restaurant. "For all the good it did."

"Look," Lana had a cup of coffee in her hands. "Archer's tough. The fact he's still alive gives us hope. Let's focus on that."

"I **knew** this whole detective scheme of Sterling's was a bad idea," Mallory groaned before she took a sip of scotch. "From Day One I **knew** this would end in disaster! God help me I didn't think it would get **this** bad!"

"I don't think any of us knew it would get so…Out of hand," Lana sighed as she sipped her coffee.

" _Out of hand_?" Mallory asked bitterly. "The Fourth of Ju-Luau got out of hand. The nerve gas missiles in San Marcos got out of hand! The Drastic Voyage mission from hell that ended our _careers_ got out of hand! This was a complete and total **disaster!** Damn it Sterling…Why don't you **think** before you act? Or at least think with something other than your **penis**!"

"I don't know how I'm going to tell AJ about her father," Lana said softy. "This morning she asked where her Daddy was…The first thing I could think of was turn on a cartoon to distract her. It worked but I can't keep doing that forever."

"You're lucky," Mallory sighed. "I only had comic books. When Sterling started asking questions who his father was…A question even I didn't know the answer to. I had to improvise. In a moment of desperation, I grabbed a comic book lying around about World War Two fighter pilots."

"You're kidding?"

"It was some garbage about Captain Blackjack and his best pal Plucky or something," Mallory waved. "Fighting Nazis and moon men. I just left out the moon men and changed the Nazis to Russians."

"And that's how the Legend of Captain Blackjack Archer was born?"

"Pretty much," Mallory admitted. "Over the years whenever Sterling would want to know more about his father I'd secretly skim one of those comics I hid away and tell him a story based on that."

"John Fitzgerald Archer?" Lana asked.

"I was doing some work for the Kennedys at the time," Mallory waved. "It was the first thing that came into my head. I had to tell Sterling _something_ … What were my options Lana? Tell him his father might be in the KGB and his mother technically committed treason? That his father might be Len Trexler who was basically sleeping and bribing his way to the top and had no time or interest for a child? Or even possibly one of the other **winners** I had an affair with? Which include a few mobsters, a loan shark, a murdered Italian freedom fighter and a hotshot drummer."

"Oh Mallory…"

"Although now that I think about it I'm pretty sure it wasn't Buddy Rich," Mallory groaned. "Not that the remaining options were any better. I know you think it was awful of me to lie to Sterling all these years. But considering the choice was either Sterling having a deceased but respected father or being just another unwanted bastard…"

Mallory looked at Lana. "You think unwed mothers have somewhat of a stigma now? It was ten times worse in my day! They also put some blame on the _children_ Lana! Children born out of wedlock were thought to have something **wrong** with them. I couldn't put Sterling through that. Again, a dead husband and father was better than the truth."

"I think I understand now why you did what you did," Lana sighed.

"You know I almost hired an actor to play Sterling's father?" Mallory groaned. "Sent out a casting call, held auditions and everything. But there were creative differences from day one. So, I figured fake a military funeral! Sterling was five! He wouldn't know the difference."

Mallory took a drink. "The point is I wanted Sterling to look up to his father. Make him feel like his father was somebody he could emulate. Boy did **that** plan backfire!"

"I'm sure Archer will be fine," Lana said hopefully. "I mean…He survived, didn't he? He's sure to wake up. Right?"

Mallory nodded. "Sterling may not have much brains but he's tough. He gets that from me. He has to come out of it."

"It's just a matter of when really," Lana said. "Maybe only a few weeks?"

"Maybe," Mallory sighed as she took a drink. "But the doctors don't know. It could be any day now. Or in a few weeks or months or…"

They sat in silence for a moment. "Lana don't tell anyone this," Mallory groaned. "But I am half tempted to let Krieger take a crack at waking Sterling up. If I wasn't so concerned his incompetence would kill him. And the rest of us with our luck."

"I can see why you wouldn't want people to know that," Lana said. "Hey. You're not in this alone you know?"

"I know," Mallory nodded.

They sat in silence for a moment. "He loves you, you know that right?" Mallory told Lana. "He's an idiot but he loves you."

"I just wish he didn't love his dick more," Lana grumbled.

"I know the feeling," Mallory groaned. "Len Trexler used to be a **lot** like that. That's one of the reasons he's still in the running to be Sterling's father. I guess being a man whore is genetic."

"Really?"

"Oh lord, yes," Mallory waved. "You didn't know Trexler when he was young. But he was very handsome and charming. And could talk the panties off any little floozie he wanted. Unfortunately for me, at that time I found that to be a turn on."

"Wait, you're saying that you and **Trexler** …?" Lana did a double take. "Were like me and Archer?"

"Not exactly," Mallory sighed. "I knew when to get out. But more or less…There was a lot of love and hate in our relationship. And enough angry sex to power the Chrysler Building for a year."

"Wow…" Lana was stunned.

"Maybe Sterling is Len's son?" Mallory thought. "Then he can't blame his running around on me."

"Trexler cheated on you too?"

"Every chance he got," Mallory groaned. "And of course, I had to try and teach **him** a lesson. And then he wanted to teach **me** a lesson so I had to teach him **another lesson** back…In the end I chose to preserve my sanity instead of my relationship. But I've always had regrets. Mostly regrets that Len was a complete and total asshole. But some on my end as well."

"Really wish we had a talk like this years ago," Lana groaned. "Before I started going out with Archer."

"To be honest," Mallory sighed. "If Sterling wasn't my own son, I'd have shot him."

Lana gave her a look. "You **have** shot him."

"Oh right," Mallory remembered. "Well it was his own fault anyway."

"How is it Archer's fault that he was being controlled by a Russian mind control chip?" Lana asked. "Put in him by the KGB?"

"I don't know," Mallory asked. "How is it his fault that he got into a coma because he didn't know how to use a robot decoy properly? No one knows how. It just happens."

They were silent for a moment. "Don't tell Sterling I ever said this," Mallory sighed. "But out of all his whores and flings and disappointments…You were the only one I actually liked. Or at the very least could tolerate."

"Aww that's sweet. I think."

"I guess it's because you remind me a lot of myself at your age," Mallory shrugged.

"You think I'm like **you**?" Lana did a double take.

"It's not that far-fetched! I used to care about things," Mallory took a sip of her drink. "What you think I got into the spy game because someone said, 'Hey sweetheart! Want a job where you kill people and can probably get killed yourself and **not** get the recognition you deserve?' I had dreams Lana! I had ideals! I wanted to serve my country and help people. I thought I could make a difference! Make the world a better, safer place!"

"What happened?"

"Reality kid," Mallory sighed before finishing her drink. "Reality."

Mallory got up. "I'm going to use the Ladies' room. Order me another scotch on the rocks."

"I can't believe Mallory thinks I'm anything like her," Lana said to herself after she left. "I mean she's…and I'm…."

"Oh my God…" Realization hit Lana. "Ending up like Mallory **could** be my future! That is the scariest thing I have ever heard."


End file.
